


Whatever Floats Your Boat - Part 1 (getting to know you)

by peadragon



Series: Whatever Floats Your Boat [1]
Category: Firefly
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angsty Mal, Humour, I hope, Jayne aggressively in denial, M/M, No Zoe :(, Pre-series timeline, WARNING: Homophobic language, WARNING: ableist language, Wash & Kaylee BBFs, Wash as an incorrigible flirt, barely smut, crack taking itself far too seriously, eventually, for now, pansexuality, warning: misogynistic language, will progress to slightly explicit smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 20:50:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1913370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peadragon/pseuds/peadragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of dabbles which pose the question: What if Zoe didn't exist and Wash was pansexual and Jayne totally wasn't sly but deep down kinda was?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Family

There was a time when Wash had seriously considered leaving Serenity. When it was just him and the Captain and that idiot Bester alone in the black for months on end. It was a cold, lonely environment between the Captain's constant brooding over the war and Bester deciding he didn't like Wash. That was fine; Wash didn't like him either. Him and his body with those... tattoos. Whatever.

In the end he told himself that the Captain had been through a lot in the war. Wash couldn't imagine losing a squad full of people. Friends and allies who he’d been through so much with, all ending up dead around him. Having to walk away from something that horrible utterly alone. With no-one to share it with, no-one who could ever understand. Somehow though, the man was still going, still had that desire to survive and keep on. Wash respected that. Plus, to be honest, he couldn't have left Serenity anyway. She was too much a part of him now. So he stayed.

Then they'd taken on Kaylee and dumped Bester. They'd found Inara (or more accurately, the Captain had found her, and Wash was very glad he had) and Jayne had found them. Somehow they'd all become a little family of sorts. Like a real family, there were times they made him wish he had gone after all. Mostly though, they made him glad he'd stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The timeline for this fic is mostly based off Edgar Governo's timeline but with some alterations purely to serve my plot (such as Jayne coming on board earlier), and chapters tend to jump forward in the timeline at random and irregular intervals, therefore chapters which have an actual specific time they exist in (rather than more general timeless ones such as this prologue) will have a month and year at the start to help orientate them.


	2. A Big Dirty Merc

**Mid June 2515**

Wash heard about Jayne before he first saw him. Kaylee came bounding onto the bridge to tell him they had a new crew member. “A big dirty merc,” she'd called him.

“Sounds dangerous,” he'd joked.

When Wash finally did meet the merc, he'd evidently had a chance to clean up. He loomed into the kitchen, a solid wall of muscle and attitude. Beads of water still clung to his close-cropped hair and there was a reddish tinge to his knuckles and face where he'd scrubbed particularly hard-caked dirt away. _Āi-yā!_ [1] Wash thought as he looked him over. He was... shiny.

“This here's our pilot,” Mal said, gesturing towards Wash.

“Hoban Washburne.” Wash stuck his hand out a little too eagerly. “Everyone calls me Wash though.” _Suǒ-yǒu de dōu shì-dàng ,_[2] _keep it together man,_ he scolded himself as he felt the heat of a blush radiate up his neck and over his face. The merc regarded Wash a second; then he turned away, ignoring the outstretched hand.

“Everyone, this here's Jayne,” Mal finished the introduction. Wash couldn't help a snicker escape his mouth at the name.

Jayne turned back on him in a flash. “You got a problem little man?” he growled.

“No! No problem!” Wash said, his eyes widening in alarm.

Jayne glared down at him. “Thought not.” His voice was low and threatening, his muscles tensed ready to defend himself against the perceived insult to his manhood. _Yeah, this one is definitely as zhí nán_[3] _as they come,_ Wash thought, letting his gaze linger over Jayne's muscles where they strained out of his shirt. _Too bad_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] damn  
> [2] All that's proper  
> [3] straight (i.e. cis-het/non-queer)


	3. A Knight in Reluctant Armor

By his count, Jayne had saved Wash's life at least three times in his first six months on Serenity, and his pride even more. The man was always getting himself into trouble in some bar or other. Always making moves on the wrong sort of person, or the right sort with the wrong partner. No matter how many times this got him into a bad situation the fēng-le[1] little man never seemed to take the hint. He was right back into it at the next bar, telling dirty jokes and giving knowing looks. Making men around him uncomfortable, or angry, or both.

Jayne didn't really have a problem with the way Wash was, honest. It was none of his business who he liked to get in bed with. He just wished Wash would take a little more care towards self-preservation when he was pursuing them. He'd pointed out to him once that if he found himself a biǎo-zi[2] he'd be less likely to cause such violent offense when he propositioned them. Wash shrugged and said he wanted more than a business transaction from his sex. Jayne didn't understand the difference.

Still, whenever Wash got into another bit of trouble, Jayne would wade in and drag him out. More times than he liked, this involved jumping out of bed and throwing his clothes on hurriedly as Mal bellowed from the bar for his assistance. He weren't exactly sleeping neither, but he did it anyway. Wouldn't do if they lost their pilot. Not that Jayne didn't do his fair share of grumbling about _how come they couldn't just get a new pilot?_ One that weren't so prone to gettin' himself beat on? Wasn't anythin' all that special 'bout Wash as far as Jayne could see.

That particular attitude didn't last long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] loopy in the head  
> [2] whore
> 
> I'd like to point out here that the views of the characters don't necessarily reflect the views of the person writing their thoughts. No Jayne, Wash shouldn't have to modify his behavior to avoid getting into punch ups over closed-minded dicks having a problem with who he is. Also, the idea that there is a “wrong sort of person” (pretty much meant to mean straight dudes) for Wash to hit on is another thing that is Jayne's opinion and not mine & the right sort with the wrong partner refers to people who may be interested but have jealous partners which – because Wash is such an incorrigible flirt in this verse – gets him in almost as much trouble as jerks being bigoted.


	4. Trust

**Early December 2515**

It was a simple transport run on the rim. Legal even, just hauling a bunch of supplies to an isolated colony. 'Course they all knew if it were that simple the colony wouldn't have hired smugglers, nor paid them so high. But they were confident they could handle any complications.

The complication caught up with them just after they entered atmo. A band of pirates, who'd taken into their minds that this particular patch of sky was theirs to pillage. Jayne was on the bridge when Wash received the wave telling them to be cooperative-like and prepare to be boarded or they'd be blown out of the sky.

“Everyone?” Wash’s voice sounded through the ship. “We have company. Mal can you get to the bridge? Kaylee, prepare for hard burn on my call.”

“What in the ruttin' hell?” Jayne exploded. “Nǐ zhǎo-sǐ ma[1]? They have a gorram cannon! An' this ship is...” Jayne trailed off as Wash fixed him with the scariest looking glare he had ever seen the pilot give. “Jus' let 'em board an' we'll ambush 'em,” he insisted.

“What, you and Mal against who knows how many?” Wash said. “Don't be yú-bèn de[2]. We run and it's just me against their gun. That's better odds, trust me.”

Jayne didn’t reply, simply turned away and stalked up the back of the room, leaning against a console as casually as he could manage as he tried to calm the terror welling inside him. It wasn’t like he was scared of a bunch of pirates or nothin’. Put a gun in his hand and point him at 'em and he’d take 'em down no problem. But trusting his life so wholly to someone else’s skills was different. It was somethin' he usually preferred to avoid.

“You think you can outrun them?” Mal asked, striding onto the bridge.

“Probably not,” Wash answered and Jayne's heart sank into his stomach. “But that's not the plan.”

Jayne watched from the back of the bridge, hands clenched in a death grip on the edge of the console, as Wash weaved something like magic – putting the ship through maneuvers he hadn't thought it possible of to escape the other ship and its gun. When it was over and they were free and clear with both cargo and crew intact Jayne came forward to stand beside Wash.

“Not bad little man,” he said, clapping a hand to the pilot's shoulder.

“Told you I could do it,” Wash replied shakily as Jayne turned to leave.

“I never doubted you,” he called over his shoulder before ducking out the door.

From that moment on, coming to Wash's assistance was more than grudgingly retrieving an asset. Wash was his crew, and besides that a man deserving of respect. The way Jayne saw it, you had a problem with Wash, then you had a problem with Jayne.

~*~*~

Wash noticed this change in Jayne with a mixture of surprise and bemusement. And, okay he _might_ have picked fights he'd normally avoid _once or twice_ just to see Jayne wade in like a tank and take down some jerk who'd called him  yútáo[3]. Because, why not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] You wanna die?  
> [2] stupid  
> [3] homosexual/fag (slur)


	5. The Baffling Case of the Disappearing Mustache

**Late May 2516**

Jayne sat back in his chair and surveyed the bar. Of all the dumps Mal'd dragged them to across the 'verse, this one was scrapin' the bottom of the barrel. He was about to get another drink when Wash slid into a chair across from him. “No luck with the ladies?” he asked.

“What ladies?” Jayne sneered. “Ain't no tail in this dump worth chasin'.”

Wash sighed. “There's no-one in here interested in touching me with a ten foot pole, even if I wanted them to, so I'd say I win the pity party.”

“I wouldn't wanna have sex with no-one that's got that monstrosity on their face neither,” Jayne said, gesturing towards Wash's upper lip.

Wash smiled and stroked his mustache thoughtfully. “Jayne my good man, I believe you engage in relations exclusively with members of the fairer sex, making your statement quite an obvious conclusion.”

“Huh?” Jayne stared blankly over at Wash.

“Never mind,” Wash muttered as Mal gave a shout from the other end of the bar. “Looks like the traditional U-Day celebrations have begun.” Jayne turned and grinned in amusement at the sight of Mal fending off two patrons with a pool cue. Launching himself across the room, he slammed his fist and the full force of his momentum into a man's face before he even bothered to ask anyone what this had to do with U-Day.

~*~*~

It had been a throwaway comment. Jayne had never expected Wash to take it seriously, or even give it another thought – let alone act on it. Yet there he was at the breakfast table less than a week later, not a skerrick of facial hair on him. Jayne didn't know what he found more surprising – how much of an improvement it made to Wash's looks, or the fact that he was apparently aware of them at all.


	6. Dissent

**Mid July 2516**

Jayne grumbled darkly under his breath as he speared a lump of protein from his plate and bit down on it. This was the third night straight they'd spent in the black, after a brief and uneventful stop on a nowhere moon that had come on the heels of even more long, lonely weeks of travel. In short – it'd been near two months since Jayne had gotten any an' he was feelin' it.

“You got somethin' you wanna share with us?” Mal asked as Jayne nearly sent a small, shriveled potato skidding off his plate. He looked up to see Wash widen his eyes and shake his head at Mal, mouthing _don't poke the bear_ and miming claws. Jayne growled low in his throat and despite his foul mood he nearly grinned as Wash's expression turned from half-joking concern to actual fear. Then he glanced at Mal sitting at the end of the table, a stern _I am the Captain here and I own you_ look on his face and he remembered why he was angry.

“Yeah maybe I do,” he grumbled. He let a tense silence settle over the table for a beat before he continued. “We never go anywhere fun no more.”

Wash smiled over at Kaylee. “Don't worry honey, mummy and daddy love us very much. They're just having a bit of a disagreement. Happens to the best of marriages.” Kaylee laughed and Jayne grit his teeth.

“You looked like you had fun in that brawl we happened to get ourselves into,” Mal said, ignoring Wash.

“Happened to,” Wash repeated skeptically.

“If'n you're forgetting, that were over a month gone.” Jayne grumbled. “An' besides, that dump was sorely lacking in other kinds of fun. I've got needs-”

“Wǒ de mā hé tā de fēng-kuáng de wài-sheng dōu[9]!” Mal exploded. “Jayne, believe me, you do not have to elaborate on, or even mention, your _needs_ to me. Ever,  dǒng ma[10]?” He raised a hand to massage his temples. “I know it's been tough lately. It's been hard findin' jobs that'll earn us enough to keep floating, let alone any of us havin' fun. We just don't have the firepower for the riskier jobs and the more legitimate-like ones pay next to nothing.”

“We could hire more muscle,” Wash said. Jayne frowned. It made sense, he _guessed_ , but then he'd have to share the loot an' the food an' the space. He didn't like the sound of that.

“I think one heavily-muscled combat specialist, who thinks with organs other than his brain, is more than enough for us to handle.” Mal said, eyeing Jayne warily. “I've been considering hiring out one of our shuttles. Might be we can get us some more income, and find someone upstanding enough to lend a certain air of respectability that'll help smooth our docking at some more _fun_ ports.”

“Oooh new crew?” Kaylee said.

“Maybe,” Mal said. “I'll put something out on the cortex, see if we can find someone suitable. In the meantime, everyone is just gonna have to calm their pants and do their jobs, else they won't have one 'cause we'll all be drifting or dead of starvation.”

Jayne just grunted in response. At least he had an abundance of funds to spend once they made port next, with all the savings he'd made from this gǒu cào de[11] dry spell.

~*~*~

Inara had replied to their cortex bulletin within a couple of days, saying they could meet her on Shinon so's she could check out the accommodations. Jayne didn't even care that the only sex for miles around were them uppity companions – he was finally gonna get him some.

Turned out even three months of savin's weren't enough to buy Jayne time with one of them fancy-ass biǎo-zi[12]. Which was how, two weeks later, they were travellin' through the black with a bonafide companion added to their crew, an' Jayne still hadn't got any. He woulda laughed at the irony, if he weren't so irritable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Holy mother of god and all her wacky nephews!  
> [2] understand?  
> [3] dog-humping  
> [4] whores


	7. I Ain't Sly

**Late July 2516**

Wash was sprawled out on the couch in the lounge, smiling contentedly to himself. Jayne was sitting across from him cleaning his guns and Wash was enjoying passing the time by sneaking occasional glances at him out of the corner of his eye. The merc hadn't exactly warmed to Wash in his stay so far on Serenity, but so long as Wash didn’t stare openly he'd come to tolerate his presence. Mostly through ignoring him – which suited Wash fine. It made Jayne a good person to hang out with when you wanted to relax in peace but not be alone. Or when you were in the middle of the black and you just wanted to appreciate a damn fine looking man.

Eager footfalls on the stairs interrupted Wash’s appreciation and seconds later Kaylee came bouncing into view, humming softly to herself. She collapsed into a chair with a contented sigh and beamed over at Wash. Wash smiled back, then glanced at Jayne. He’d definitely gotten tenser – his jaw was clenched tight and there was a frown wrinkling his brow – but a whole five minutes of soft humming passed before he finally had enough.

“What's got up your pì-gu[1] to make you so gorram cheerful lately?” he grumbled at her.

“Kaylee doesn't need a reason to be cheerful,” Wash said. “But I believe in this case our little mechanic got laid back on Shinon.”

“Maybe,” Kaylee said, grinning in a way that meant definitely.

Jayne snorted, looking up from his guns to leer over at her. “Shoulda said something if you was lookin' to get laid,” he said. “Coulda saved you the money.”

Kaylee rolled her eyes. Not even bothering to address Jayne’s assumption that she’d paid for sex – it was always his assumption that yīyè qíng[2]  involved money changing hands – she said, “you know I'd rather sleep with a cactus.” Her tone was teasing but light. Jayne propositioned women for sex the same way he breathed – constantly. Kaylee was used to it.

Jayne grinned, unperturbed by the jab. “I don't recall sayin' anything about sleepin',” he said, cocking his eyebrow suggestively at her. Kaylee didn’t reply, and he shrugged, turning his attention back to his guns. “Offer's always there, if'n you change your mind...”

Wash feigned a melancholy sigh and raised his hand to his brow in mock distress. “Why is it you never proposition me for sex?” he joked, gazing solemnly over at Jayne. “It's enough to make a man feel unwanted.”

Kaylee laughed but Jayne frowned, his hands clenching around the gun he was holding. “I ain't sly!” he insisted, and there was an all-too-familiar kind of defensiveness behind his tone. Not for the first time since they’d met, Wash considered that Jayne may not be completely straight and narrow after all. A shiver spread over his skin as his gaze wandered down Jayne's torso. The things he could do to convince him...

“Whatever you say,” he replied, flashing a grin over at Jayne. Jayne didn’t reply, just gathered his guns and stormed out of the room, muttering darkly under his breath as he went. Wash watched him go, then looked over at Kaylee. She shrugged. “So,” Wash said. “On a scale from Bester to an experienced companion, how good was this one?”

Kaylee squawked in mock outrage at the question, throwing a cushion at Wash’s head. He laughed and chucked it back, Jayne’s dramatic outburst already forgotten.

~*~*~

Wash was getting ready for bed that night when he had cause to remember it. The hatch opened and Jayne dropped heavily down into his room.

“Gū-yáng-zhōng de gū-yáng[3]! Haven't you heard of knocking?” Wash shoved the singlet which had been half way off his torso back on. Jayne just stared at him. “What do you want anyway?” Wash asked, starting to feel nervous.

Jayne glared over at Wash. “I ain't no pì jīng[4]!” he hissed. “Stop sayin’ I am.”

Wash frowned. Jayne was still hung up on that? Oh this was definitely a thing. Wash could practically smell the denial coming off Jayne. Heart pounding in his chest, Wash decided to take a chance.

“That's too bad,” he said, looking Jayne up and down, letting his eyes show what he wanted to do with him if Jayne gave him the chance. This was one hell of a gamble, but then again Jayne was the one who had come into his bunk.

“Too bad,” he repeated slowly, smirking as he met Jayne’s eyes and tried to keep his nerves from showing through.

Jayne's gaze was fierce as he glared back, but he didn't recoil or look away. Then, without warning, he strode towards Wash. Wash's heart leaped into his throat and he backed away instinctively, but he didn't get far before he hit the wall. Jayne was on him seconds later, pinning him with a hand to his shoulder. Wash tensed his muscles in anticipation of a fist, but it never came.

Instead, Jayne leant forward, his face hovering bare millimeters besides Wash's. His breath tickled the side of Wash's neck.  “Breathe a word of this to anyone,” he growled, so quiet Wash had to strain to hear. “An' I'll...”

He didn't finish the sentiment, and he didn't have to. Instead he reached out, tugging at the zip of Wash's jumpsuit, which was half off and hanging around his hips. Wash grinned and grabbed a handful of Jayne's shirt, pushing him towards the bed. He liked being right.

~*~*~

Afterwards, Wash lay on his bed watching Jayne redress. He was in an awful hurry to leave, Wash noticed, and he wondered if this would make things awkward between them.

“It's jus' sex,” Jayne muttered as he pulled his shorts on. “Don't make me sly.” Then he grabbed his boots and hoisted himself up the ladder, never once looking back.

 _Yep, awkward_ , Wash thought to himself as he watched Jayne's feet disappear out the hatch. _Totally worth it though_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] butt  
> [2] a one night stand  
> [3] Motherless goat of all motherless goats!  
> [4] fag (slur – literally ass fairy)
> 
> And that's it for part one. Part two is in the works, hopefully I'll get it out soon.


End file.
